Im a piece of sh** lately. Im deep down in the rock bottom and im WILLINGLY pushing myself even further and idk why am I like this.
I know that I have to fight and be like Wim Hof and David Goggins because I need to run a ultra marathon and do atleast 30min ice baths. Not to mention learning qi gong and meditation and need to wake up kundalini.
I remember pushing past painful routines like:
Waking up 5:30; Meditating 40min twice a day; Working out for hours; Taking 20min cold showers when I was already cold from winter weather; Studying hard; Eating only one meal a day and doing keto.
Heck I even fasted for a week, did extreme exercise during it, showered for atleast 10min a day.
I got comfortable. Got up kinda but then told my mom that I wanted to kill myself and got into mental hospital.
I still worked out here, still tried, until I called my mom and told her that she just should let me kill myself because I know that if:
• I will live a comfortable life I will feel guilt and suffer because im not the best ultramarathon runner, qi gong-er, i didnt wanke up kundalini and that im not doing long ice baths.
• If I do these things they will make me suffer hard and make me want to kill myself because they are so uncomfortable to do, but they are good for me and my goals…
• kill myself and end all of my sufferings.
I really want the third option. But I dont want to painfully die. I want to get a helium cylinder to my house (my moms house) and die piecefully there but ofc she says that she wont let me die because im not suffering from some kind of deadly chronic disease and that my death would cause so much pain for others.
Tbh i dont even care about others at this point even tho it sounds so egoistical. The pain is real, therapists wont help bc I just know how therapy works and I just know that If i dont become like david goggins or wim hof (basically endure loads of physical pain) i wont be good enough and no psychologist will change my mind. Or i will suffer living comfortable life, but it feels good tho… I explained that to her but she wont let me die…
Im isolated in a little room now full of psychiatric drugs that probably my higher conciousness, my higher self and my energy body.
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