the person you are now

Six minutes ago I was expected to be out on my flight from Los Angeles to Boston, returning a little later from my Thanksgiving break than everybody else due to the basic reality that flights were more affordable today instead of last Sunday.

I am, sadly, not on that flight due to the fact that it was postponed by 6 hours and am rather resting on my sofa, enjoying the time tick by, and showing.

Airports have actually not treated me extremely kindly this previous year. Each time I’ve been at an airport, it was either to state hi to the kid I believed was the love of my life, or farewell to the kid I believed was the love of my life.

.When I was in high school, #ppppp> I’ve invested these previous couple of days reviewing old locations I utilized to regular a lot back. The Source in Buena Park, Baekjeong on Beach Blvd, my auntie’s home in Cerritos. Every location I went, whatever felt a bit off.

.Since every memory here is now somewhat polluted, #ppppp> I do not like being back in California. Bittersweet. I take a look around in the locations I utilized to call house and they seem like hollow shells with memories echoed in its crevices, both bad and excellent. I stroll by the food court in The Source and just see shadows of previous selves — — chuckling with my buddies who are no longer my buddies, holding hands with a young boy no longer in my life, weeping as I challenge individuals who injure me most. I am not keen on these echoes.

And I believe it’s for these factors that I’ve grown to dislike my time in California. Just a bit ago I had actually gotten home for Columbus day weekend and whatever was great. I desired to remain.

Now, MIT represents something a lot more pure. It’s a clean slate for me.

I just recently went through the procedure of clearing out all of my social networks, archiving posts from the previous 2 years. I do not understand if it was abuse or treatment to need to relive each and every single post, every minute overshared. From a preliminary separation of 2 partners earlier, to falling for the 2nd sweetheart, to falling out love once again. From anxiously picking junior year classes, to summer season internships, to college applications, to my MIT approval, and to now. I see names of individuals who are no longer here, whose characters and voices and faces have actually begun to deteriorate with the death of time and I hesitate that there will come a day where I do not remember her name any longer. And that will be the greatest oppression to her tradition.

I’ve been going through this series of forgetting and keeping in mind, keeping in mind and forgetting, curating these boxes of memories to toss and memories to keep. I often ask myself if I ‘d ever wish to have my Clementine minute , removing every minute that brings me discomfort.

But I need to advise myself that it’s these extremely minutes that assisted form me into the individual I’ve ended up being.

I state all of it the time and I will continue to state it once again however MIT has really, genuinely altered my life in these couple of months. I’ve had the ability to end up being more caring and susceptible, caring and open, strong and bold. At the end of my social networks clean, I composed a post to record whatever I’ve discovered in life this previous term.


I understand this is a bit individual for the MIT blog sites, however likewise I believe it’s an extremely…… vital part to point out for the college experience. When I strolled into MIT, 5 out of the 8 individuals in our pal group remained in cross country relationships, myself consisted of. By the middle of November, that number dropped to 2.

Being single for the very first time in a half and a year is extremely disconcerting. I have nobody to send out excellent early morning and excellent night texts to, nobody to send out silly, unimportant updates to, nobody to get in touch with Discord and enjoy Adventure Time with. It has actually been a tough change and I can’t state I’ve been managing it well, however I understand I made the very best choice for me.

Throughout my high school profession, I stick onto my romantic relationship since I felt extremely separated at school. It was there for me and grounded me in a few of the worst times of my life and a few of the very best times of my life.

Coming to college, I understood I no longer required to be grounded, that I had actually discovered a group of my own to call house and no longer required the security that I discovered in my relationship, and I made the supreme choice to use the time in college to focus and check out a brand-new life of self-reliance.

I sobbed for the really very first time over this break up a month after it occurred, showing to me that the strange, weird recovery procedure is really, really various for every relationship and every individual. I am delighted I wept since that suggests things are lastly beginning to procedure.


I’ve been sort of disregarding myself in hopes of looking after others. Since it desires to hug it, picture a bird consistently flying into a cactus. That’s me. I’m the bird.

After I informed my mama I disliked being back home, she informed me, “That’s excellent. That indicates you’re no longer clingy for house. It’s amusing cause that indicates you’re clingy for your buddies now.”

It is…… definitely understood to me that I am, in truth, a really clingy, psychological being. You must most likely go back and reread them if you could not inform that from my posts. They are complete and unpredictable of mush. I am complete and unpredictable of mush, so it makes sense that my posts are, too.

I’ve been searching for convenience in simply being. It appears that for these previous years, I’ve constantly had somebody to stick on to and somebody to rely on constantly. Now, I’m sort of attempting to recognize that I do not require outdoors recognition in order to feel great about myself. It’s a procedure. I am…… absolutely still the attention-seeking mess I’ve constantly been, however there is sluggish enhancement. Less ‘‘ message your ex at 2am’s, less ‘‘ send this dangerous text to this individual when you understand it will not exercise’, less ‘‘ stay up and overthink this one occasion that took place 4 years back.’ It’s a procedure.


I’ve discussed in the past that I’ve had a hard time a lot with body image and consuming conditions. I have actually not pointed out that I’ve received the Miss Massachusetts Teen Pageant award happening this January. I am now pointing out that unsurprisingly my involvement in this pageant has actually revived a few of those satanic forces.

But, I’m happy of myself since while there have actually been some slipping ideas sneaking back, I’ve had the ability to manage them quite well.

I returned back house for Thanksgiving and definitely indulged myself in whatever food I desired. Definitely regret complimentary. I have actually not been to the health club given that last Wednesday. I am going to go to the fitness center tomorrow after my midterm and classes. I am likewise going to begin cooking once again. (I have actually not prepared considering that the break up and have actually been surviving off of yogurt and granola for breakfast daily, Sate for lunch, and truthfully forgetting to consume supper.) I am going to consume 3 meals a day and Love Myself. Take that, consuming conditions.

I’m thinking about doing keto, understood my high blood pressure’s type of fucked and it’s not a great concept to go on a high fat high protein diet plan when your high blood pressure is fucked, and changed it rather to low carbohydrate. Due to the fact that my preferred foods consist of pasta, rice, and bread, I am unfortunate. Regrettable.

Overall, lovely delighted with how my psychological has actually been managing my physical health. I stated this in the blog writer slack however so everybody understands: I am frightened of the health club. I do not deadlift appropriately. When I get back house, I am presently maybe on the search for an individual fitness instructor. Regardless of all these things, I’ve been going to the health club 4 times a week throughout my time at MIT. Wanting to make that 6 times a week however infant actions, please, infant actions.


When composing my other post “Be Social”, I in fact made a truly huge awareness that I’m uneasy in areas with mainly East Asian females and feel really inferior/low in these areas. I wished to sign up with ADT and do official recruitment for some mostly Asian sororities previously in the fall, however felt I wasn’t “Asian adequate” to join it, not since of their marketing, however more of due to the fact that of this unusual, internalized self-hatred that’s handled to manifest.

Growing up Filipino, I’ve constantly observed how we are not precisely the poster kids for Asia. This was likewise discussed in among posts concerning my MIT essay modifications. I matured being informed that the Philippines was the dog of Asia, that we were some screwed up hybrid of previous colonizers and required to rush around, getting at colonial identities like straws in order to make and attempt something of our own. Yeah, certainly I’m still quite fucked up about it. Due to the fact that I wasn’t [I didn’t think I was quite for about 15 years of my life insert actually any East Asian nation here] I wished to alter my race so terribly, wished to hear a various language around your home, wished to be acknowledged and verified by the public eye.

I like my identity, I enjoy my heritage, I like being Filipino. It gets tough in some cases when I’m surrounded by quite pale slim Asian ladies and I keep in mind that I will never ever look like them.

Next semester/next year, however, I prepare to attempt and conquer these worries. To make area in locations where I feel there is no area.


Kind of twiddling with the concept of returning to treatment once again. I’ve been going on and off considering that the 4th grade. My last consultation was ideal prior to I left for August orientation.

Did some self care over Thanksgiving break by a) not touching any work at all other than for perhaps a couple hours at a Starbucks as I sobbed over my 8.01 L prepset and b) just listening to BTS for the previous 4 days. Extremely restorative. Please go see their MMA efficiency, it is the very best kpop efficiency of 2019 and an unbelievable method to liquidate the years.


Speaking of remaining injury at the locations that utilized to imply the most to me in high school, I visited my old high school once again!

[RECORD SCRATCH NOISES TO INDICATE A BREAK IN THE FOURTH WALL OF THIS POST: Sorry, god, the tone of this post altered a lot. I’ve been composing for the previous 50 minutes directly, all right, feelings alter. I began this post off teary eyed and we actually were not vibing now I’ve type of kicked back and am really happy with how this post is going. It’s so healing to compose this. I enjoy oversharing on the Internet. I can’t think I work where I can weep openly on the front page of an internationally distinguished organization. I like MIT. MIT is fantastic, kids. You get to do shit like this. Sorry, proceeding.]

It was both satisfying and unpleasant to visit my old high school once again. The very best parts of high school were my instructors and couple of friends and perhaps Organic Chemistry and Engineering102. The worst part of high school was whatever else.

But returning to high school and seeing how far I ‘d come was extremely confirming to me and made me value college much more. In December 2018, I wasn’t even sure if I was going to live to see completion of senior year. Now, I’m sobbing in my California house since I’m so thrilled to go house and.see my buddies once again.⁠⁠ 01 hey there crabmeats if you'' re reading this i like you. thank you.I made certain to fill my instructors in on whatever — — my classes, MIT admissions blogging, my dormitory, my pals, my social life. Whatever. And as I strolled them through it, I could not smile however assist to myself due to the fact that I was so really delighted about where I remained in life and where I’m headed.

I was likewise delighted I had the ability to speak to my pals who are presently going through the really difficult, hard procedure of being a high school senior. College application season is among the worst times in anybody’s life. Likewise, senior year is actually when you understand your genuine and phony pals. And it’s really, really hard to need to go through pal drama together with college applications. I am wanting all the love and assistance to all of my high school senior citizens out there.


MIT’s sort of fucking incredible. The classes are hard, however satisfying. Individuals are helpful and extremely distinct. The professors are enthusiastic and kind and practical. There is an outrageous quantity of chances here that I never ever believed I ‘d ever get to do or check out. I’ve attempted many brand-new things, fulfilled numerous individuals, and found out a lot academically and mentally that I am permanently grateful for this very first term at MIT.

PNR is ending and I am extremely worried to get real grades. I am delighted for my classes and delighted to invest another term with my good friends and household at MIT.

I take pride in the individual I am now and the individual I am ending up being. And I anticipate seeing where these upcoming months bring me next.


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